THE SET: A raised carpeted platform centre stage on which there are as many chairs as are necessary for
each scene. Behind the platform there is a large video screen onto which are projected the VT
elements and when not in use the name of the host is projected throughout.
There are two entrances upstage left and right. .
VT: OPENING TITLE SEQUENCE
MUSIC. Couples arguing, storming off, throwing punches. JEREMY looking shocked.
ENTER JEREMY. Audience applause.
JEREMY; Good Morning. On this morning’s show a Prince looking for proof that his wife’s reputation is
whiter than snow…will it be Heigh-ho or heave ho for Snow White…. Lie detector results coming up.
VT: SOUND BITE
“I swear they are trying to kill me”
“Don’t you dare talk about my family like that”
JEREMY: Coming up. IS it time up or time out for one wolf and his little red girlfriend.
VT: SOUND BITE.
“I thought you were a real man”
“You have lied to this girl. Yes or No?”
JEREMY: By hook or by crook…. a father looks to save his relationship from going down the pan.
DNA results coming up later….
VT: SOUND BITE
“Peter flies around at night, looking in at windows…looking for his mum and
Dad”
JEREMY: But first lets welcome Prince Charming onto the stage
FX; MUSIC
ENTER PRINCE CHARMING
JEREMY You’ve been married 10 months, your wife has just given birth to a baby boy, and you are
incredibly charming, what’s the problem?
PRINCE: Well, Jeremy, its like this. I don’t think the baby is mine.
JEREMY: The baby isn’t yours?
PRINCE: He doesn’t look like me. He’s very small.
JEREMY: Come on most newborn babies are small…what makes you think that he is any different?
VT: Picture of a baby looking just like one Of the SEVEN DWARVES
PRINCE Its not just me, mummy and daddy think so to.
JEREMY: Mummy and Daddy!? How old are you? Grow up. You told my researchers that one of the things
that made you suspicious was the fact he liked to dig in the back garden and he likes to sing.
PRINCE: He’s always digging….Dig, dig, dig, dig, dig the whole day through
JEREMY: All babies like digging..
PRINCE: He dismantled his cot to make pit props. We’re up to ears in gold nuggets.
JEREMY: What does the Princess say?
PRINCE: She just says I’m being a silly old goose.
JEREMY: Well, let’s see if we can get to the bottom of this. Snow White’s on the show, guys.
FX: ENTRANCE MUSIC STING.
ENTER SNOW WHITE, very upset.
SNOW WHITE: What about you and that Cinderella, eh? I know you’ve been sneaking out of the palace at night…
PRINCE: You told me he wasn’t mine…
SNOW WHITE: Ask him about the text messages. Ask him about the phone calls in the middle of the night. Ask
him about the messages on Face scroll. Ask him…
JEREMY; Welcome to the show sweets. [To SNOW WHITE] You told my researchers that he only wanted you to
get his mum and dad off his back.
SNOW WHITE That’s right. He said his mum and dad were nagging him to get a wife and get her knocked up.
They fixed it up so that he could meet all these girls and some of them were no better than
prostitutes.
PRINCE: Your mother you mean.
SNOW WHITE: Don’t you dare talk about my family like that.
PRINCE: A mother who’s mental.
SNOW WHITE: She’s not mental.
PRINCE: She spends all day dressed up like a crone talking to a mirror. She should be locked up. She
tried to poison her with an apple
SNOW WHITE: He told me that if any of my little friends came round he would set the dogs on them.
PRINCE: TOO BLOODY RIGHT I WOULD. They’re a menace, all that digging. I was walking across the lawn
the other day and I fell in one of their dirty great big holes. I swear they are trying to kill
me.
SNOW WHITE: You see, totally paranoid.
JEREMY: So who do you think the father is?
PRINCE: Well, its obvious isn’t it. She spent ages shacked up with seven men in the forest, it could be
any one of them.
SNOW WHITE: Well that’s charming.
JEREMY: Can I have the lie detector results please.
CREW MEMBER passes JEREMY a sealed envelope
JEREMY: You were asked: have you ever had any sexual intercourse with anyone other than your husband?
You answered “No”, the lie detector said…she was telling the truth…
SNOW WHITE: You see…
JEREMY: You were asked have you ever had any sexual contact, which could be a passionate kiss up to
intercourse, with anyone other than your husband…you said “No”..the lie detector said….she was
telling you the truth…
SNOW WHITE: Put that in your glass slipper and smoke it.
JEREMY: Finally, you were asked had you kissed anybody other than your husband, you said “No!”.the lie
detector said….you were lying….
PRINCE You see, I knew it. I bloody well knew it. You lying cow!
EXIT THE PRINCE followed by SNOW WHITE
SNOW WHITE But that doesn’t count. It was only a frog. Frogs don’t count. I was just experimenting…
JEREMY: Well, there we have it. Coming up after the break…
VT: SOUND BITE
“Isn’t it the case you lied to your girlfriend. Yes or No?”/
"You told me you loved me. I thought you were a real man.”
FX: MUSIC & TITLES for PART TWO of the JEREMY KYLE SHOW.
ENTER JEREMY KYLE. Applause.
JEREMY: Welcome back. Coming up…true life confessions and confrontations.
VT: SOUND BITE.
“Isn’t it the case you have lied to this girl. Yes or No?” /
“You told me you loved me. I thought you were a real man.”
JEREMY: Mr Wolf is on the show, my friends…
FX: MUSIC. Don’t Cha/My Humps
MR WOLF enters dressed as GRANNY.
JEREMY: Take a seat, my friend. So, what’s the story Mr Wolf?
WOLF: Actually Jeremy, when I am dressed like this I prefer to be called Susan
JEREMY: What’s going on?
WOLF: I’m just more comfortable in women’s clothes.
JEREMY: Are you in a relationship?
WOLF: Engaged.
JEREMY: How long?
WOLF: About two years
JEREMY: Does she know about…Susan?
WOLF: Well I guess she does now Jeremy.
JEREMY: Let’s bring her out….Please welcome Red Riding Hood is on the show, ladies and gentlemen.
FX: MUSIC
ENTER LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD. She runs on stage and starts hitting the WOLF.
RED: You told me you loved me. You sat in my granny’s house and proposed to me. I thought you were
a real man.
WOLF: I do love you…I just like wearing girl’s clothes…
JEREMY: Good morning sweets. Take a seat. I guess this is a bit of a shock. You had no idea that your
fiancé of two years was, infact, Susan.
RED: Not at all, Jeremy. {TO the WOLF] How long has this been going on, eh? When did it start?
Well come on.
WOLF: When we first met. You were wearing that red cloak and matching shoes and you looked so cute.
JEREMY: You tried to eat her grandmother and take her place…
WOLF: No Jeremy I was just trying to…
JEREMY: You hit her on the head and stuffed her in the wardrobe.
WOLF: No, I was hiding in the wardrobe when Granny….
RED: You told me that you were helping her move the wardrobe when it fell on her….
JEREMY: Isn’t it the case that you have used this girl and her family in order to fuel your sick habit
for wearing women’s clothes?
WOLF: No, I love her…
JEREMY: Isn’t it the case that you have lied to this girl? Yes or no?
RED: You lied to me for two years. I stood by you during the court case with the pigs…I believed you
about granny…. but this….I just don’t understand this…
WOLF: I just want you to know the truth. I’ve been living a lie for two years. It’s not sick. I still
love you. Can you forgive me?
RED: I just don’t know…You have to be honest with me. But I guess we can try…[She hands him the red
cloak]…
WOLF: [to RED]…Call me Susan…
JEREMY: Well…sometimes love can conquer all. You two go off backstage and see our aftercare team. Give
them a big hand, my friends.
EXIT WOLF & RED
JEREMY: Coming up in the show…a boy trying to stop his relationship from going down the pan by finding
his true father
VT: SOUND BITE
“Peter flies around at night, looking in at windows…looking for his mum and Dad”
JEREMY: That’s after the break.
FX: MUSIC & TITLES for PART TWO of the JEREMY KYLE SHOW.
ENTER JEREMY KYLE.
JEREMY: Tinkerbell is on the show to get boyfriend Peter to grow up and face the truth…DNA results will
settle once and for all who’s the daddy. Tinkerbell is on the show, ladies and gentlemen
FX: MUSIC
ENTER TINKERBELL
JEREMY: Hello my friend how are you? What’s today about?
TINK: I’m just sick of it Jeremy. The arguments, the kidnappings, the walking the plank….I just can’t
deal with it any more.
JEREMY: You say, your boyfriend, Peter, is all confused because he fell out of a pram when he was six
months old and he doesn’t know his mum and dad?
TINK: That’s right Jeremy. Peter flies around at night, looking in at windows…looking for his mum and
Dad….
JEREMY: You told my researchers that you have an idea who Peter’s father might be?
TINK: That’s right Jeremy.
VT: FLASH PICTURES: CAPT HOOK/ADOLF HITLER/BRIAN BLESSED
JEREMY: What’s this about a girl flying off with your boyfriend for late night jaunts across Neverland?
TINK: She’s a slut Jeremy. She comes across all la-di-dah, like butter wouldn’t melt but she’s a
total slapper….
JEREMY: This is Wendy, the girl you say tried to steal your boyfriend away.
TINK: She’s like all posh and just makes stuff up. Like stories. And she’s not helping him. She’s a
total waste of space…she can’t even fly by herself.
JEREMY: Let’s get Wendy on the show.
FX MUSIC
ENTER WENDY DARLING.
JEREMY: Good morning sweets. Have a seat. You told my researchers that you’ve tried to help Peter find
his real parents and that you even offered to let him be adopted by your own parents. Is this
true?
TINK: That’s only ‘cos she wants him for herself.
WENDY: I have tried to help Peter, yes.
TINK: Oh you liar, you let him call you mother you sicko.
JEREMY: You let him call you mother?
WENDY: When we first met and that was only in front of the other lost boys. It was a game.
TINK: You see, that’s the problem, its all games with you. You won’t let him grow up.
JEREMY: [To TINK]…You told my researchers that the only way that Peter can move on is if he leaves Wendy
to find out who his real father is.
TINK: That’s right. That’s why we want a DNA test.
JEREMY: Before we give out those all-important DNA results let’s get Peter on the show.
FX: MUSIC
ENTER PETER PAN. He sits next to WENDY.
JEREMY: Good morning fella. Take a seat, my friend. So, what are you looking for today?
PETER: I’m looking for me Dad.
JEREMY: Do you have any ideas who it could be?
PETER: I’ve got me suspicions, yes.
VT: FLASH PICTURE of HOOK.
JEREMY: Both the women in your life believe you won’t be able to move on until you get the result is
that true, yes or no?
PETER: Yes, Jeremy.
JEREMY: Well, let’s have those all important DNA results.
CREW MEMBER hands over envelope.
JEREMY: The DNA results show that Captain James Hook is….NOT the biological father….[reaction]….Wait a
minute, I’ve just been told that there is a positive match with one of the other candidates and
he’s here in the studio. Do you want to meet him? Please welcome onto the stage, Peter Pan’s
long lost father….
FX: MUSIC. STAR WARS
ENTER DARTH VADER
PETER: You can’t be my father.
DARTH: I am your father.
PETER: No, this is a lie.
DARTH: Search your feelings you know it to be true.
JEREMY: DNA results are 96% positive and he is your father.
PETER: No….NOOOOOOOOOOO…..
JEREMY: Well, if you need a moment with our aftercare team they are waiting backstage with the fabulous
Graham? That’s all from the show this morning, thanks to all our guests but most especially to
you for watching. Thank you and good morning.
FX:MUSIC
End titles.
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